I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I looked at my own cervix.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize