i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
