Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
