OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
