I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
