Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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