there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize