He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
