You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
