I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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