even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
