you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
