i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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