textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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