I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
