you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
