i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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