i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
