Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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