I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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