it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
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