idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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