I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
