the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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