i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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