goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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