You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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