shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
