I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
