sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
