Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
