if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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