Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
