Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
