Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
