I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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