It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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