Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
