oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
