btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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