i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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