I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
