I'm jealous of your bromance
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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