Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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