i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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