My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
