Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
