it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
