I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
