My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
