I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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