Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
