Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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