Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
