my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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