You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
