Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
