his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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