Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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