can u get pink eye on your cock?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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