apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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