The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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