my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
